8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize