I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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