Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
