Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
