pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
