is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The struggles of a small town man whore
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
