Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
