i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize