Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
