I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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