How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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