last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I wish there were birth control emojis
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
