I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
