I wannas sexs uuuuu
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
