now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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