No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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