you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
