just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
