I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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