there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize