i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
