He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
