Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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