That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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