i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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