What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i came on her dog
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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