I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
