Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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