I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
