Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I came so hard my ears popped.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
