At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
