God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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