I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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