I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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