Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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