How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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