I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
