im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
