it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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