VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
