I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
