I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
