walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I could make wine with my vomit
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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