in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
