So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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