There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
