Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
