drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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