I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
