I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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