I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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