My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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