I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
