How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
