biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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