dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
