I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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