Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
