What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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